Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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