I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
