so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
