I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
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That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
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I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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