If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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