He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
