A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
