the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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