Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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