He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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