Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
