I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
