I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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