Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
