it wasn't lemon gatorade
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
