well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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