Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
