i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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