Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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