Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
