You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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