She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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