She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
