I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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