Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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