He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
