In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
