True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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