i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
