The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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