Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
