I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
