the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
