Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
