I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
