when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
