my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
MIDGETS
????
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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