Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
