I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
jump out the window naked night went bad
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
