Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm both gender and math confused
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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