Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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