so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
