He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
