Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
