I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
