woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
