He uses pillows to masturbate.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hippo gnu deer
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
