If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
