I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
