Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
