dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
