everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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