your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
