Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
