so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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