Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
