Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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